


I was one of them.

by TenyaIidiam



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Caring Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is a Good Friend, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff and Angst, Gay Logic | Logan Sanders, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Misunderstandings, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Good Friend, Panic Attacks, Protective Morality | Patton Sanders, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-27 21:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19797679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenyaIidiam/pseuds/TenyaIidiam
Summary: Virgil reveals that he used to be one of them. Finally. But when he does, he is greeted with total silence. This puts him on edge and eventually to the conclusion that now Thomas hates him. His friends try to comfort him and it's just rEaLlY fLuFfY





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This short story comes after Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts. I recommend going to watch it before reading this if you haven't.
> 
> TW: Panic Attack

"Why should you be held to a different standard than any other side?" 

Virgil new this was coming. God he hated it.

"Because... I was one of them." Virgil waited. For any reaction. _Any_ kind of reaction would've been better than what he got. Silence. 

Thomas just stared at him in shocked silence and Virgil _hated_ it. He hated himself so much right now. Why did he say it? It's not like Thomas would accept him anymore. It was useless information. The only thing it would do is make Thomas hate Virgil even more than he already does. He knows. He knows, he knows, he _knows_ and his best reaction is _silence. Say something damn it!_

Giving up, Virgil decided to just excuse himself from this mess, allowing Thomas to give an uncomfortable end to the video. Virgil ended up in the commons of the mind palace where the others were hanging out. When they saw him standing in the middle of the room, they smiled at him.

"Another successful video." Logan claimed.

"Maybe for you." Roman grumbled and Patton nodded, pursing his lips but they both laughed. 

"Virgil, what did you th- Virgil?" Logan turned to Virgil for his opinion but was greeted with tears streaming down the younger side's face. Virgil touched his face, not even realizing he was crying. With that he ran up to his room quickly before any of the other sides could say another word. 

"What's wrong with him?" Roman asked, concern etched on his face.

"Should we go check on him?" Patton asked. He, Roman and Logan sat in an uncomfortable silence as the pondered the question. _Should they? Or will they just make everything worse?_

"I'm not good with this feels kind of stuff. I don't think I sh-"

"We'll all go up." Roman said, standing and heading towards the stairs, not even stopping to make sure they were following. Patton and Logan looked at each other and quickly followed behind.

* * *

* * *

Roman knocked on the door and strained his ears for anything. He didn't hear a thing which made his nerves worse. "Virgil, are you in there? Can I come in?" No answer. He turned to the other two who seemed to look helpless. Suddenly, a sob raked through the silence and Patton went full dad mode. 

"Virgil? I'm coming in." Patton tried the door to find it locked. He glared at the lock as if he wouldn't even so much as hesitate to cut through it to get to his dark strange son. Patton began ramming into the door, trying to break it down. Roman grinned at the gesture but Logan stared on disapprovingly.

"Patton, that's not wise. You can't just break down the door."

"BUT MY SON NEEDS ME!" he insisted and so Logan didn't argue. Only when Patton heard a whimper behind the door did he stop.

"Leave me alone." they heard from behind the door, barely audible. Patton hesitated. He sounded so miserable. So now he was stuck between the two choices. Leave his son in there alone to suffer... alone. Or break down the door, and attempt to comfort him, going against his wishes. Patton shivered. Both of those sounded horrible but his dad instinct took over. 

"I'm sorry kiddo but your hurting. I can't just leave you." Patton called. He looked to Roman for help and Roman nodded, knowing what he had to do. Patton backed away and Roman backed up against the wall, thrusting his arm out in front of him and ran to the door. 

_Click._

The door opened as Roman ran full speed into Virgil's room and into _Virgil._ Roman fell on top of Virgil with enough force to knock the wind out of him. Roman quickly got off of him, blushing from embarrassment. Virgil wheezed and coughed. He squeezed his eyes shut from the force of his racking coughs. His chest hurt and tears now fell from coughing.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry I didn't mean to, I can make it up to you I swe-" 

"Pri-" _Cough_ "Princey, don't try and break my door down, ever again." and with that he got up, breathing heavily.

"I- I'm sorry, Kiddo, that was my idea. I'm sorry I was just worried." 

"It- it's fine, I just..." His voice trailed off as he thought about how to explain to them. "I told him and he just-" a tear rolled down his already bloodshot eyes.

"Told who what?" Roman asked, taking a small, curious step towards him. Virgil scooted slightly away, anxiously.

"Thomas. I- I t- told him th- that I'm one o- of _them."_ Virgil sobbed. Patton came over to him.

"Can I touch you?" Virgil nodded and he was immediately engulfed in Patton's arms. He shook in them but tried so hard not to cry. "Kiddo... if you don't mind me asking," Patton started after a few seconds of silence. "but why is that so bad? You're becoming more open and trusting! This is great!" Virgil shook his head into Patton's chest. 

"He just... h- he j- just stood there. He just _stared_ at me, Patton. He looked at me and said _nothing._ I shouldn't have told him. I shouldn't have told him, God, it was a mistake. A horrible horrible mistake. I'll never be able to take back what I said. I- I'll never b- be a- able to r- rid o- o- of th- that _look."_ Virgil shuddered and a heart wrenching sob tore through him. He crumbled onto the ground and wrapped his arms around himself in efforts to calm down, unsuccessful.

**_Thomas hates you._ **

**_Dark sides are nothing but a nuisance._ **

**_You're the worst of them all._ **

**_And now he knows, on top of being the literal embodiment of Anxiety, you are also a dark side. A horrible nuisance. Something they could do without. A N U I S A N C E._ **

**_You should've stayed with the dark sides. You have no place here._ **

Another sob and soon he was crying, uncontrollable whimpers and cries. As he slipped into a panic attack, he barely registered Roman picking him up and quickly getting him to his bed. The 3 sides stared at the heart broken side with helplessness. Roman took Virgil's hand and started tapping a rhythm. _4, 7, 8. 4, 7, 8._ After an agonizing 10 minutes, Virgil started to calm down at the steady rhythm of taps on his hand, his breathing starting to follow along.

When he was able to talk, he looked to them and started whimpering apologies. "I'm sorry you have to deal with my incessant rambling. I'm such a _fucking_ nuisance." Patton felt a tear roll down his own face. He didn't even acknowledge the swearword. Roman squeezed Virgil's hand, having not let go yet.

"Virgil, you are in no way a _nuisance._ I don't understand what makes you think that, but whatever it is, _I shall slay it."_ Virgil huffed at Roman's dramatic statement and he leaned tiredly into Roman.

"Was it a good idea to tell him?" Virgil asked, weakly. Roman was about to state that it was but looked up at the others. They seemed to have their doubts.

"I have no idea. But," Roman continued, feeling him tense up. "your intentions were good. You opened up to him. I guess only you could decide if it was a good idea." Much to Roman's delight, Virgil relaxed into Roman's chest. These were moments where Roman noticed what Patton constantly saw in him. He was curled up like a kitten and he had this slight purr, deep down in his throat whenever he was relaxed. Roman breathed a laugh and looked up at the others.

Patton was cooing and even Logan had a small smile. Small but it was there. Roman wrapped his arms around the small side and was about to say something but realized just how relaxed the side was. And the snoring. Roman picked him up _very_ slowly and lied him down in his bed. 

"I think I should go talk to Thomas. Anyone in disagreement?" Logan asked. When he got no answer he nodded a farewell and sank out. 

Patton and Roman looked at each other and gave each other their sadness, awkwardness and relief all in one smile. Patton sat down on the floor and leaned his back on Virgil's bed. Roman joined him and they both sat there in a comfortable silence, listening to Virgil's light snoring and the rustling in his bed as he twitched in his sleep. Soon after they had sat down, they too were asleep.

* * *

* * *

Logan popped up in Thomas' bedroom who looked up astonished at the appearance of his Logical side. 

"Mmmmm, what's up, Logan?" he asked, curiously. 

"Could I please talk to you about Virgil?" Thomas quirked an eyebrow. 

"Is something wrong?" 

"Ah, that's the thing. I'm not quite sure." Thomas squinted. 

"Deceit?" 

"I can assure you, I am not Deceit. What makes you think that?" 

"You know everything."

"How bold of you to assume that. Do you really think that _your_ logic knows everything?" 

"Ouch. Okay, it's you, what's wrong with Virge?" 

"When Virgil told you he used to be... _one of them,_ why exactly did you stay silent?" Thomas cringed. 

"You saw that?" 

"No, Virgil told us." Logan was quiet as he awaited an answer. 

"I- I was just _shocked."_

"At what, exactly?"

"What do you mean?" 

"The fact that he was one of them or the fact that he told you at all?" Thomas pondered this for a second.

"Both I guess." 

"And why didn't you elicit a response to this? Virgil is quite upset over your _silence._ I'm fairly sure he believes you think low of him because of this." Logan stated almost sadly.

"D- did I hurt him? I- I didn't mean to! Where is he? Can I apologize to him?"

"He's asleep in his room. Roman and Patton are with him." Thomas sighed sadly and rubbed his face.

"I- I'm so sorry. Can I talk to him when he wakes up?" 

"That all depends on him. I'll inform him of your request but he has to decide whether to come out or not." 

"He already has, he's gay."

"You know that's not what I meant." Thomas sighed and nodded. With that, Logan sank back into Virgil's room. He found 3 sleeping sides. Roman had his head _majestically_ leaning back, his mouth open and snoring loud enough to be heard over a cyclone and Patton had ended up leaning on Roman's shoulder. Logan slightly blushed at the sight but quickly got back his composure when he saw Patton stir. Patton groggily sat up and looked up at Logan. He rubbed his eyes and tilted his head. 

"What did Thomas say?" Logan tried to _keep_ his composure this time at the sight of the moral side. He thought he could but just to make sure he cleared his throat before talking. 

"He said he was sorry and that he wished to talk to Virgil after he wakes up." Logan whispered, trying not to wake the others.

"And...?"

"That's completely up to Virgil." Patton nodded and stood up, leaving a snoring Roman on the floor and Virgil looking more calm than he has in a while.


	2. Chapter 2

Roman slowly woke up. At first he was confused on his dark surroundings. But memories of that day slowly came to him. He groaned and rubbed his head. Roman's neck was stiff from sleeping with it at such an awkward angle. He looked over the bed to the still figure in the bed. Virgil was still asleep, much to his relief. He got up and tip toed over to the bathroom, careful as to not wake up his gloomy friend. He cracked his neck multiple times. Damn, he would never sleep without a bed ever again. Roman used the bathroom and inspected himself in the mirror. His hair was a mess and he had slight bags under his eyes. He scoffed at his less than princely appearance. To be seen like this woul-

"Roman?" Virgil stood in the door frame to the bathroom, groggily staring at him while leaning on the door. 

"V- Virgil! Good morning my Chemically Imbalanced Romance!" Roman looked Virgil up and down. His face was blotchy and red and his skin was stained with tear streaks. The bags under his eyes were a mix of his smeared makeup and a restless night. He rubbed his eyes, smearing his makeup even more. Despite his skin, his hair and eyes were as cute as ever. Er, beautiful. _No. Well shit._ "Virgil, er, why don't you go get some more sleep?"

"I won't be able to get back to sleep now, Princey. What are you doing here?" 

"I, uh, fell asleep." Virgil shuffled.

**_Fell asleep? In your room? Hah. I thought they had had enough of you._ **

"Look, Roman. I'm sorry. About last night. And whatnot. I overreacted. I kinda just... I always think you guys hate me. And just as I feel like you don't, I give you one more reason to hate me. It's an endless cycle."

"Virgil, we could never hate you." Roman soothed, going up to him. "I'm sorry if we made you feel that way. But just know that we won't ever hate you." Virgil give him a weary smile but it quickly faded. A knock made him jump. 

"Virgil?" Logan's voice came from behind the door of his room. Virgil walked slowly over to the door and hesitated before opening it. Logan stood at his door, looking at him with concern. "Good morning, Virgil. I'm glad to see you... awake." Logan said, rather questioning his still very tired appearance. "Thomas wanted to talk to you. You can eat first if you so please." Virgil shook his head. 

"No, I'll just go talk to him. What's it about?" 

"Yesterday evening. About... that." Virgil blinked.

"Oh." 

"Well, I hope to see you later. Good day, Virgil." Virgil bid him farewell and turned to Roman who had a worried expression on his face. 

"He didn't mean it in the way you thought he did. He doesn't hate you. Like I said. We could never hate you." Virgil gave Roman another small smile at his effort to calm his nerves.

"Thank you, Princey. I-" Virgil looked down. This had been nice. He wanted to stay with Roman and talk. Just him and Roman. Escape his problems and just hang out with the person he treasured most. But he knew he couldn't avoid Thomas forever. Sooner or later he'd have to confront him. "I'll see you later, Princey."

Roman nodded and Virgil sank out by Thomas. Thomas jumped at his less than neat appearance as he did when any of the sides just _appeared_ but this put Virgil even more on edge. He shifted in his spot.

"You wanted t- to talk to me?" Virgil cringed at his stutter but other than that, he pretended it never happened. Thomas looked at him worriedly before continuing. 

"Virge, I'm so so sorry for upsetting you. I didn't mean it like that, I swear. I was just... shocked. Can you forgive me, please? I swear I don't hate you. I don't care if you are a dark side. You aren't Remus or Deceit. You aren't any of them but you. And so far, you have only given me reason to love you."

Virgil stared at Thomas for a second before answering. "Do you mean that?"

"I hold my word to it with my _life."_ Virgil nodded. 

"I want to say sorry as well. I caused so much trouble for all of you. I made you all worry, Roman even slept in my room. _On the floor you dirty bitch."_ Virgil added, seeing Thomas quirk his eyebrow. Thomas laughed. 

"Nah, Virgil. Don't apologize for things that aren't your fault. You did not overreact." he said, as if reading Virgil's thoughts.

"... Thank you, Thomas. I need to go see the others, if we have that all cleared up?" Thomas smiled at him and nodded. Virgil smiled awkwardly back and sank out.

* * *

* * *

Before going down to the kitchen, Virgil went up to his room to fix his appearance. When he had applied new makeup, he walked down to the dining room shyly.

"Hey, guys." Virgil said, seeing Roman and Logan at the dining table. He turned to the kitchen and saw that Patton was cooking something for breakfast. Roman brightened at seeing Virgil and Patton turned around with a bright smile.

"Virgil!" 

"Greetings, again, Virgil." Logan said.

"Hello, my dark prince! How fares thee on this fine morning?" Roman announced dramatically.

"You've already seen me this morning." 

"Ah but is there any problem with seeing how you are this morning?" Virgil snorted.

"I'm okay." Virgil sat down awkwardly. "I, um." Roman looked up at Virgil. "Thank you."

"F- for what?" Roman was confused.

"All of you. For... last night. You didn't have to do that for me but yet you did. I was a _mess."_ Patton smiled in the kitchen.

"Kiddo, we did it 'cause we love you. We hate to see you hurting. Em, I also wanted to say sorry again. For trying to break down your door? It, uh, was uncalled for."

"It's fine, Pop Star." Patton's smile widened even more and he giggled before continuing breakfast. 

When breakfast was all done, Virgil remembered the good parts about last night. Being hugged by Patton and Roman. _Snuggling with Roman._ It felt like pure bliss.

"H- hey, do you mind if we... hang out... today?" Virgil muttered to Roman. Roman's eyes shone.

"Of course my dark prince! What shall we do?!" Virgil clicked his tongue. 

"Wanna watch a movie in your room?"

"Sure! What shall we watch?"

"Your pick, Princey." Virgil and Roman went up to Roman's room. Roman beckoned to the beanbag chairs on the floor and Virgil plopped down in one. After Roman had put in _The Little Mermaid_ he sat down in the red beanbag next to Virgil's. When the movie started, Roman glanced at Virgil and took in his facial features. He looked _happy._ Like a contented kind of happy. He was _never_ like this. What changed?

Roman wrapped his arm around Virgil's shoulder and before he could react, he leaned and left a small peck on the temple of his head. Roman smirked at the flustered side and then laughed at his confusion. His laugh faltered when he noticed how _sad_ he looked. Roman started regretting his move.

"AAAAH, I should've asked first, I'm sorry, sorry, I must've made you so uncomfortable. You probably don't even like me, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-" Roman grumbled as he "accidentally" let that last line slip.

"Hey." Virgil interrupted him, his scowl growing and the blush under his foundation showing. "Jumping to conclusions is my thing."

"J- jumping to conclu- _gasp."_

"Did you just say gasp?" 

"So, what of it." Virgil huffed.

"You can't love me. I'm unlovable. I'm a dark side for fucks sake." Virgil whispered that last line. Roman stared on in shock.

"Bitch, wah. We've been over this, haven't we. Look. You're _Virgil._ I wouldn't love you if you _weren't_ Virgil. 'Cause, ahem. I love Virgil. Don't tell Virgil this though." Virgil snorted and his blush seemed to be getting more apparent as they talked.

"Dumb ass." 

"Chemically Imbalanced Romance."

"I hate you."

"Love you too, Emo Nightmare." ****

* * *

* * *

Patton fell into the couch next to Logan who was intrigued in the book he was reading. 

"Do you think Virge will be okay?"

"He's got Roman, he'll be fine. I saw them head into Roman's bedroom after breakfast. I'd say it was about time Roman confessed." Logan stated.

"What do you mean?" 

"You haven't noticed it?"

"Noticed what?" Logan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

"Roman has unsaid romantic feelings for Virgil." Patton giggled. 

"I knew it."

"Then why-"

"So is he finally gonna confess?!" Logan sighed again, exasperated.

"I don't _know_ Patton." Logan looked to Patton. He was starting to notice every single detail again. He smelled like bubbles, his glasses were slightly lopsided, his eyes shone with pride for his "children". Logan turned back to his book as a slight blush came over him. While he was immersed in his book, he noticed Patton lean in. He didn't notice what he had leaned in to _do._ He felt the warmth of Patton's lips pressing against his cheek and his face practically blew up red. He whipped his head around to find a giddy looking Patton. 

"Love you, Loganberry." he said smugly. Logan opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. For once, he was at loss for words. Patton laughed at this and leaned into Logan's shoulder, closing his eyes in bliss. "I believe you. He'll be okay with Roman. You know, you're a very good friend to them, Logan."

"T- to you?" 

"Boyfriend material." 

"You're insufferable."

"Love you too, Loganberry."


End file.
